200 Words - Round Five
A response to Exercise #33 by DaveP.
The old man sat with his withered hands on his lap, watching his grandchildren playing with their toys. Occasionally his eyes would glance down to his fingers, and he’d notice the sunlight glinting off one of his rings. The sight of it immediately took him back to a happier time when his wife was alive. On a day like this, she’d have been in the middle of the action, playing with the kids, letting them use her as a horse to ride around the room. She’d been taken from him a few years back and he’d missed her every day since. They’d been inseparable, the cracks which usually appear in a marriage never materialising for them.
And now as he sat watching Tyler and Tre making pyramids with yellow building blocks, all he longed for was to be with her. He loved his 2 children, and his 5 grandchildren, but that love was nothing compared to the love that he shared with his wife of 58 years. He reached down and picked up a teddy bear that the youngest child had dropped, and as he looked in to its eyes, all he could see were his wife’s beautiful blue eyes staring back at him. He looked up to the ceiling, and mouthed the 3 words he’d continued to whisper to his wife to her dying day and beyond. A tear rolled down his cheek, and then in his mind came back the same trio of words.
” I love you”.
He smiled to himself, and sat there watching the kids play without a care in the world, hoping they too would one day experience the joy of loving someone and it lasting forever.
Before anyone wants to say he spelled materializing wrong, it’s the British spelling.
First pick – Chuck the ‘old man’ part. That’s made obvious with his withered hands and his having grandchildren. Giving me labels on characters that I don’t need gives me a list of things that make ‘old man’ in my mind and make it that more difficult for you to paint a picture of this man.
“Occasionally his eyes would glance down� I do this every now and then as well, but I try to avoid it. Instead of saying, “Occasionally he would glance down at his fingers� you have “his eyes would glance down� making it, if you take it literally, like his eyes move independently of his mind. Also, “would glance� is passive. Be aggressive! If you can take out ‘would’ or ‘was,’ then definitely do it. (Same goes with the ‘and he’d’ [‘he would’] in the next part.) In the end “Occasionally he glanced down� is tighter and not passive.
About using numbers instead of words – 3 instead of three – I mention it because it tends to jar me a bit as a reader. I don’t expect numbers in their number forms to be in writing, and I don’t think other people do. At least not in their books.
“He looked up to the ceiling, and� – You don’t need a comma there. When a comma comes before an ‘and’ it’s because what comes after the ‘and’ is a complete sentence.
“ I love you�. – Always proofread. The space between “ and ‘I’ and the period outside the quotation will make an agent/publisher toss your submission.
“He smiled to himself,� – Comma not needed.
The last pick is a personal preference. “and it lasting forever� doesn’t seem the best way to end a heartfelt piece like this. It sounds like a bit of a mediocre thing to say to end this. I won’t make any suggestions, but I would suggest revision.
June 18th, 2007 at 9:52 pm
Wow, if that’s how you treat your friends?!? JOKE.
I accept all the criticisms, and have taken them all on board.
I either tend to write from the heart, or worry about the technicalities. I have real trouble combining the two, and until I do, I know I won’t be a good writer.
I can definitely see your point about being aggressive rather than passive, it’s my nature, so it tends to come through in my writing.
The ending was heartfelt but I agree it needs something else. This was only a quick exercise, but I’ll go back and revise it to make it a more rounded story.
Thanks Jaime
June 18th, 2007 at 9:59 pm
Heya, sweets. I told you when I critique, I have no friends.
Write from the heart first, and then worry about the technicalities. That’s what it’s all about - write it then revise it.