200 Words - Round One
Last Monday I said You Have 200 Words. Basically, you send me your opener, hook, or whatever 200 words or less you’d like to send me. I post it along with my comments. Not only do you open yourself to my comments, you open yourself to any reader who cares to comment.
Someone was brave enough to step forward and be the first to show you I don’t bite or scratch.
As I said in the earlier post, I won’t post up the name of the person or the work in progress. Feel free to agree/disagree with me by leaving your own comments.
“Fancy moving to Canada??
Nicholas Barstan shook his head. “Can’t say I do.? He’d lived in Washington since birth, and he’d never spent more than three weeks outside of it. Moving to another country – to one that he knew was even worse off than his own – had never been something he’d put much thought into.
“I thought you might say that.?
Nicholas felt a hand in his coat pocket for an instant, barely more than a brush of fingers. It would be a data chip that he’d look at later. Part of their ever-increasing paranoia, they were hesitant to talk about even the most innocent things, even in public. As head of the Department of Public Safety, Nicholas knew just how intense the security was; there were microphones and cameras everywhere. Neither man trusted anyone, and Nicholas wasn’t always sure that he should even trust his best friend. He’d arrested too many men that had been so sure they could trust the very person that had betrayed them. Acknowledging it with a nod, they continued to walk.
My first nitpick – watch your use of “that?. “To one that he knew? and “To one he knew? are the same thing, and the second one sounds better. You do it more than once in this. Make a copy of your entire work in progress, press the “ctrl? button and the “f? button, click the “replace? tab, and replace “that? with “x?. Seeing how many replacements it made should leave a big enough impression in your mind to make you very careful with “that?.
Revisit Pet Peeve #1 for the second to last sentence.
“- that he’d look at later? Take it out. If he’s going to look at it later, he’ll look at it later. I assume it’s at least somewhat essential to the plot, so you’ll either have a scene where he looks at it or a scene where he mentions having looked at it. If you don’t, then leave it, but if you do, don’t tell me now; it’s unnecessary.
Please tell me you mention the other man’s name soon. Him not being named is starting to bother me even after reading just this much.
Overall, there are just nitpick, final edit things catching my attention.
Would I keep reading? Yes.
As I said, feel free to leave your own comments for the person who submitted this section.
April 9th, 2007 at 3:16 pm
Meh, I’ll admit it was mine. As to your “that” nitpick…yeah. I completely understand. Same with the second nitpick.
And the other guy’s name (Stephen) appears 7 words later.
But thanks. Good to know you’d keep reading.
April 9th, 2007 at 6:23 pm
See? I don’t bite.
April 9th, 2007 at 11:55 pm
Still, I’m nervous to let anyone read my stuff who isn’t my mother. hehe
April 9th, 2007 at 11:57 pm
Ha! I’m not anyone’s mother and your future agent certainly won’t be!
Better build up your “thick skin” now while the scars still heal quickly.
October 24th, 2007 at 3:20 pm
Just a thought–the sentence that begins “He’d arrested too many men” seems kind of awkward. I had to read it twice to get the idea being conveyed.
October 24th, 2007 at 6:48 pm
Thanks for stopping by Cal, and for your input. I’ve been looking at that sentence beginning, and I might have to disagree with you…but that could just be because I can’t quite think of another way to write it at the moment.