Fiction Scribe

“Lady Sophia sauntered through market square. She usually sent her servants to shop for her, but on this day she didn’t know what she was looking for, only that she needed a distraction. That morning a letter had arrived, bearing the news that her husband was lost at sea. She didn’t understand how he could leave her – the most beautiful lady in the land – in the first place. She placed a hand on her swollen stomach. Had he found her pregnant form ungainly? She shook her head in disgust. She carried his burden alone. A glint of gold caught her eye. A merchant from the Outer Isles was setting up his wares. His dark hands held an elaborate golden frame of a mirror. He turned and the mirror faced her directly. In her reflection from the front you could hardly tell she was pregnant. She flushed, pleased at her still apparent beauty. She had to have the mirror. The only ones in the manor were small or handheld. This full-length one would do justice to her glory.”

It could have just been the formatting of the email, but I suggest splitting this paragraph into two. It is quite a bit to read in one paragraph and there is a switch in the action at “A glint of gold�? anyway, so you might as well use it.

Nice build up of starting the reader off with neutral feelings towards Sophia and quickly then moving that neutrality to dislike. You could have been more subtle (and drawn out) about her true personality, but I like the pacing just the way you have it.

“His dark hands held an elaborate golden frame of a mirror.�? This would be okay if the frame didn’t have a mirror in it. However, you make it obvious in the next sentence that it does. Change it to something like he held a gold-framed mirror.

Would I keep reading? Yes, just to see your new twist on Snow White. (Unless you’re familiar with the Seven Swans fairytale, this pretty much has to be Snow White.) I’ve seen and read a lot of different takes on Snow White, though, so you’d have to have something quite interesting and original to hold my attention.