Fiction Scribe

“I miss you.”

As if he had heard me speak, Alex opened his eyes and stared. His eyes were red and eyelids puffy from the crying he’d done on and off during the night. He’d only drifted into a real, deep sleep a few hours before. I felt guilty for waking him up even though I hadn’t, really.

He didn’t hear me.

“I miss you, Bliss,” he whispered, his voice raw.

I couldn’t help but smile, just a little bit, at his nickname for me. I wouldn’t be hearing that very often anymore.

“Belinda.”

I sat up a little and looked over Alex’s shoulder at Michael, who stood in the doorway to the bedroom. He cleared his throat, a faint red appearing on his cheeks. I appreciated that he the decency to at least appear to be embarrassed for interrupting. Maybe even apologetic, but I hadn’t known him long enough to be sure.

I laid back down and looked at Alex, trying to figure out what to say. I wanted to hug him or kiss him, but Michael had made me promise not to. That was the deal; I got to lay beside Alex until he woke up and Michael got my promise not to so much as breathe heavily on Alex.

***

While this doesn’t strike me as the most attention-grabbing hook, I am interested. Why doesn’t Alex hear Belinda or even notice Michael? I smell a paranormal story here…

I think the distant feeling comes from reading this like I’m being told by a narrator instead of a character. First person perspective should be easily to drop into by the reader. Read over what you have written and make sure to add in Belinda’s personality from the start – what *she* would do, what *she* would say instead of focusing on what you, the writer, wants to say.

Walking across the salt pan was gruelling, but it wasn’t what depressed Kavan most. It was how he had come to this state. Five days ago, he had come into Hardy’s Port, well off and looking for fun. He chose as companion, a woman, from Nastir, where the sexual arts were celebrated in festivals throughout the year; he chose wrongly, looking back on it, or else he should have left first thing in the morning. Instead he had stayed on for breakfast, and the confrontation with an enraged husband/owner who sat on the Hardy’s Team and fronted for the Moral Majority.

The Teamster had one more revenge up his sleeve. Kavan had drawn salvage duty. Desert work mostly, because Hardy’s Port was a dry planet.

I like this beginning sentence. It’s nice and strong, and it has me immediately interested about what’s going on. I want to know what could be more depressing than walking across a dried up lake.

I don’t think you need the comma after “Port�? because, if you recall the old rule, it could be read as “Five days ago well off and looking for fun�?. Also, you don’t need the next comma after “woman�?. My next catch is the semi-colon after “year�? which could be started as a new sentence instead.

Beyond the technical catches, I very much like this piece. I’m already sucked in to what’s going on and wanting to know more about the man who would corrupt a slave and then dare to stay for breakfast. Nicely done. I would definitely keep reading on with this one, and I hope you honor me with showing me what happens to this interesting man.

A response to Exercise #33 by DaveP.

The old man sat with his withered hands on his lap, watching his grandchildren playing with their toys. Occasionally his eyes would glance down to his fingers, and he’d notice the sunlight glinting off one of his rings. The sight of it immediately took him back to a happier time when his wife was alive. On a day like this, she’d have been in the middle of the action, playing with the kids, letting them use her as a horse to ride around the room. She’d been taken from him a few years back and he’d missed her every day since. They’d been inseparable, the cracks which usually appear in a marriage never materialising for them.

He smiled to himself, and sat there watching the kids play without a care in the world, hoping they too would one day experience the joy of loving someone and it lasting forever.

Before anyone wants to say he spelled materializing wrong, it’s the British spelling.

The last pick is a personal preference. “and it lasting forever�? doesn’t seem the best way to end a heartfelt piece like this. It sounds like a bit of a mediocre thing to say to end this. I won’t make any suggestions, but I would suggest revision.

And now for 200 Words from someone who has been waiting very patiently.

The plates are so white they’re almost blue. Miranda pulls one after another until she counts eight. The chairs seem too far apart (her grandmother added the center leaf). It’s been an hour since she saw him see her. Against her will, her heart strains to beat loudly enough for him to hear. Closing her eyes as if to shut off the rhythmic hammering of her pulse, she feels for the cold tines of a fork and places it underneath a scalloped rim.

For a few nights after his phone calls, she dreams vivid fantasies and nightmares. As time passes between their encounters, his calls become less frequent. She rarely returns the messages.

The present tense is not something I’m used to, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing if you can pull it off without stumbling, confusing the reader, or sounding awkward.

Another warning about this to be careful with your tense; even present tense stories can have past tense words in there. Your last paragraph sounds like it should be in past tense. Without having more to read, though, I can’t know if this is the case or if you’ve simply jumped from dinner to a few nights later.(Which I hope you haven’t because you’ve given the reader no warning at all.)

“Miranda pulls one after another until she counts eight.�? – This is missing something like “out of the cupboard�? or “off the shelf�?. Without it, she’s simply pulling plates, which sounds like she could be out doing clay pigeons with someone.

The first four sentences read too choppy and cold to me. Vary your sentence length unless you’re aiming to make the reader uncomfortable. Even then, you risk losing your readers.

You are certainly hitting a “disturbing�? note with this beginning. The reader doesn’t know exactly what kind of love the main character desires of her father and becomes hooked into finding out despite not wanting to. Try being a bit smoother with your sentences and expand more on the physical. Is she sweating under his gaze? Feeling cold? Blushing?

Would I keep reading? Revised, yes. I want to know what’s going on.

“Lady Sophia sauntered through market square. She usually sent her servants to shop for her, but on this day she didn’t know what she was looking for, only that she needed a distraction. That morning a letter had arrived, bearing the news that her husband was lost at sea. She didn’t understand how he could leave her – the most beautiful lady in the land – in the first place. She placed a hand on her swollen stomach. Had he found her pregnant form ungainly? She shook her head in disgust. She carried his burden alone. A glint of gold caught her eye. A merchant from the Outer Isles was setting up his wares. His dark hands held an elaborate golden frame of a mirror. He turned and the mirror faced her directly. In her reflection from the front you could hardly tell she was pregnant. She flushed, pleased at her still apparent beauty. She had to have the mirror. The only ones in the manor were small or handheld. This full-length one would do justice to her glory.”

It could have just been the formatting of the email, but I suggest splitting this paragraph into two. It is quite a bit to read in one paragraph and there is a switch in the action at “A glint of gold�? anyway, so you might as well use it.

Nice build up of starting the reader off with neutral feelings towards Sophia and quickly then moving that neutrality to dislike. You could have been more subtle (and drawn out) about her true personality, but I like the pacing just the way you have it.

“His dark hands held an elaborate golden frame of a mirror.�? This would be okay if the frame didn’t have a mirror in it. However, you make it obvious in the next sentence that it does. Change it to something like he held a gold-framed mirror.

Would I keep reading? Yes, just to see your new twist on Snow White. (Unless you’re familiar with the Seven Swans fairytale, this pretty much has to be Snow White.) I’ve seen and read a lot of different takes on Snow White, though, so you’d have to have something quite interesting and original to hold my attention.

“Karna was hungry & looking for food and was a little annoyed when he first heard the roaring in the sky. The day had been fine & clear but he looked for thunder anyway and annoyance became puzzlement when he saw no storm, only serene blue sky. The roar from the sky was getting louder when he looked directly up and saw a new sun moving slowly through the blue above him. It was moving slowly towards the sunset and seemed to be getting larger. It took long moments before he put the two things together & realised the new sun was coming down towards a spot near to him & he felt frightened. He moved to nearby cover but then curiosity held him for the new sun was now quite near & in spite of the roar he felt suddenly calm. There seemed to be no heat from the sun as it touched the earth only a couple of spear-throws away & this seemed to cool the new sun for the roar & the shine slowly faded. When his eyes could see properly, Karna saw the sun was gone & had left a glowing white egg behind.”

The first thing that stands out is your use of the ampersand (the ‘&’ symbol). I don’t even have to start reading before all of them stand out.

Would I keep reading? Probably. This has a “prologue�? feel to it, so I’d likely skip ahead a bit and see what was happening a few pages in.

Last Monday I said You Have 200 Words. Basically, you send me your opener, hook, or whatever 200 words or less you’d like to send me. I post it along with my comments. Not only do you open yourself to my comments, you open yourself to any reader who cares to comment.

Someone was brave enough to step forward and be the first to show you I don’t bite or scratch.

As I said in the earlier post, I won’t post up the name of the person or the work in progress. Feel free to agree/disagree with me by leaving your own comments.

“Fancy moving to Canada?�?

Nicholas felt a hand in his coat pocket for an instant, barely more than a brush of fingers. It would be a data chip that he’d look at later. Part of their ever-increasing paranoia, they were hesitant to talk about even the most innocent things, even in public. As head of the Department of Public Safety, Nicholas knew just how intense the security was; there were microphones and cameras everywhere. Neither man trusted anyone, and Nicholas wasn’t always sure that he should even trust his best friend. He’d arrested too many men that had been so sure they could trust the very person that had betrayed them. Acknowledging it with a nod, they continued to walk.

My first nitpick – watch your use of “that�?. “To one that he knew�? and “To one he knew�? are the same thing, and the second one sounds better. You do it more than once in this. Make a copy of your entire work in progress, press the “ctrl�? button and the “f�? button, click the “replace�? tab, and replace “that�? with “x�?. Seeing how many replacements it made should leave a big enough impression in your mind to make you very careful with “that�?.

Would I keep reading? Yes.

As I said, feel free to leave your own comments for the person who submitted this section.

Do you have an opener you’d like someone to take a look at? Have you completed one of the Saturday Night Exercises and are brave enough to have it posted here along with my comments?

If you’re prepared to brave the spotlight along with my comments and anyone else’s comments who cares to say something, send me your short section. I’ll post it up along with my comments. I won’t post the name of the person I received it from; you’ll just have to keep an eye out for your submission.