Fiction Scribe

I have to admit that breathing a bit of fresh air into pet peeves and airing my annoyances has got me back into the pet peeve post addiction. While I don’t actually have that much to complain about, I do feel I need to add on to an old pet peeve: Weenies.

In the previous part of Weenies, I talked about people who can’t handle criticism. Maybe they think their writing is perfect (then why ask for critique, silly writer) or maybe they have yet to develop that ‘hard shell’, but there are people out there who just can’t handle it.

Today I’m talking about another breed of weenie. A sibling of the aforementioned weenies.

The weenies who might be able to handle criticism, but they don’t want it. Period.

I do understand the occasional ‘gentle critique please’ request I see on writing forums. There are some people who like nothing more than breaking aspiring writers in half, which doesn’t do them a spot of good and just destroys their egos. In that environment, it’s not surprising to go in with a bit of caution.

However, when you’re in a professional environment and you have asked an editor to look at your work, why in the world would you say something like: “Only look at X because I don’t care to hear what you have to say about the rest of it.”

Why? If you have paid for a certain type of editing, fine enough, but to pay for editing – including continuity – and then to say that you don’t want part of what you paid for…

In the end it just irks me. An editor – a good editor – has only one focus: making your book the best it can be. To request an editor do anything less, and likely have to duct tape their mouths shut to keep from saying what they want to say, in a professional environment is silly.

You don’t have to take all the advice an editor gives, so why not have your pick of the lot instead of limiting yourself before you (and the editor) even get started?

Now before everyone gets up in arms, just read what I have typed, okay?

“Pet Peeve 57 – Self-Publishers” is a lot more of a snappy title than “Pet Peeve 57 – Self-Publishers Who Either Won’t or Don’t Hire Editors” don’t you think?

I have no problem with self-publishers in general – I know a few who are fabulous people and even more fabulous writers – but there are those who piss me off. I am talking about the people who are either in too much of a hurry to get to the printer’s to hire an editor or just plain skip that step entirely for whatever reason.

Just because you’re a writer doesn’t mean you automatically have a master’s degree in English. There are reasons that editors exist.

Once again I have read a book that has an incredibly awesome idea that made me impatient to get my hands on a copy, but then it fell flat with an obvious lack of good editing.

To be frank, it’s not just self-publishers either. Sometimes, with big publishing houses who sell big names, the author gets to a point where – apparently – no one pays attention to what the big name author is putting out there. I recently read a book by a New York Times Bestseller that was so incredibly bad that I could not bear to read the whole thing. I just couldn’t.

For the first time in my life, I didn’t read a book all the way through, and I have put up with some real stinkers.

When you self-publish without editing properly first, you not only make yourself look like a fool, you bring down the entire self-publishing industry down a notch.

I know what it’s like to be enthusiastic about getting published. I promise you that. However, no matter which way you go, publishing is not a one-person operation. You need help, and there is certainly no shame in admitting that.

And heck, you can always bribe your editor into never telling a soul that you frequently mix up lay, laid, and lie.

Otherwise known as acting like a complete ass.

Could it be? Could it truly be? Are pet peeves back? Is JM finally complaining again about each and every little literary thing that annoys her?

Not quite, but I was so entirely pissed off about something this morning (and not able to do anything about it) that I thought about my beloved pet peeves. While 55 is a nice number and I would have liked to leave it at that, this person’s actions annoyed me so much that I decided to bump it up. (I will send a book on technical writing, an Australian postcard, Australian chocolate, and whatever other goodies I can get on short notice to the first person who can tell me which of my pet peeves I committed in that sentence.) At least by one pet peeve.

So here we are.

I’ve sort of mentioned this before in Net Speak, but it’s apparent that it bears repeating.

Since becoming involved with online author/book promotions, I have started talking to many more people. Because of this, I get the chance to observe many of the positive and negative sides of human behavior.

Of course I won’t mention any names, but there was a certain author that a friend of mine organized some online promotion for. And this was no regular online promotion because the author made my friend reschedule everything not once, not twice, but three times. Perhaps even four or five, but I stopped counting.

This person had their promotion and that was that. Until yesterday, when my friend received an email from this author, requesting a certain piece of promotion. My friend directed the author to where the promotion could be found. The author responded that it was not the link but the original file that this person was after.

It had already gotten rude at that point, but my friend promised to get the original file. The response to that?

I WILL TAKE LEGAL ACTION ON YOU IF YOU DON’T GET ME WHAT I WANT. BLAH, BLAH. I’M INCREDIBLY UNPROFESSIONAL AND DEMANDING OF THINGS DESPITE YOU HAVE NO CONTRACTUAL OR LEGAL OBLIGATION TO GET ME WHAT I WANT.

Of course, that’s not a direct quote. The author would probably threaten to sue me next if I used a direct quote. But you see what I mean. My friend provided a service and was fine with contacting the third party to get the original promotion file, but this person reacted not only unprofessionally as a client, but as an author.

If you’re a writer and need to resort to all capitals to get your point across, then you need to take some classes. If you’re a writer (or anyone for that matter) and think treating people like this is okay, then you should seek professional counseling. If you think threats of legal action will get you everything you want as a writer, you are sorely mistaken.

It’s the friends that you make in this industry that will help you get places. Making enemies will simply get you ignored.

There are murder mysteries you read where you know within the first few chapters who the murderers. At this point you either read on, enjoying the book because it is well written even though you know who it is who likes to kill using Kleenex, a toothpick, and a bandaid. Or there is the other option – you read on for some reason (perhaps you doubt your conclusion?) until it becomes so utterly obvious who the killer is that you want to shove the novel through your eye socket.

Or, perhaps, the eye socket of the author.

Naturally, to avoid all the eye-gouging, murder mystery authors will often try to point you in the wrong direction so you are surprised by who the actual murderer is. False clues helped by a main character – often the detective or investigator – who starts planting the wrong ideas in your mind.

This is fine so long as the reader doesn’t find out who the murderer is and think, “What the…?”

I am tired of mystery authors who are so desperate to surprise you with who the ‘bad guy’ is that they pick someone as the murderer who doesn’t make sense.

Too often the murderer is either someone we never had a chance of figuring out (someone we don’t meet until the end) or someone who, yes, may have had some far-fetched motive but was just picked for the surprise. That’s not fun to read when Susie was in the lounge, holding the candle stick, and wanted the million dollars. Bringing along Uncle Earl as the murderer because he took an unassisted tumble down the victim’s stairs is not good mystery writing.

So stop. Read some classic mysteries so you can learn how to write them.

It’s all too easy.

You create this alien race with alien beliefs, weapons, food, and, of course, bodies. Their history progressed differently to humanity, the way they harness energy is different, and even the way they mate (if they mate) is different. They’re just plain alien.

You eagerly send your human explorers to meet them.

Then your so-called aliens speak English that sounds so much like your cousin from Idaho. Or a three year old alien has the same range of vocabulary as your three year old niece.

If you are creating alien races, then make them alien. Even KA Applegate’s young adult fiction aliens the Hork-Bajir have the contradiction of deadly blades on their bodies and a peaceful lifestyle. That’s different. Orson Scott Card has created some excellent alien races over time.

A big monster with three heads isn’t all that scary or even alien if it talks like a typical twenty year old man from just down the street and has a liking for beef burgers.

You don’t have to create an entirely new language with each race (though you can feel free to do so), but do you think a race of military driven aliens will speak eloquently with a lot of flourish and useless words. Nor will a race focused on science and art speak harshly. (Overall, there are exceptions.)

Pay attention to your aliens and work at making them truly foreign to what we as humans know. It’ll get you a long way in the writing world.

You finally get an idea for a story. Not just a story – an awesome story. The story that could really get your name out there, you think. Your story is about a writer (heh) who gets to travel through time to the very time he was writing about! Oh, goodie.

Given the time and location difference, many of your characters will talk differently to your main character. Given this, you decided to do what you’re sure many authors before you have done before you: use accents!

How about I stop you right there, okay? Accents are not something to do lightly. Unless you have done your research, any attempt you make at using accents is either going to be heavy-handed or just plain wrong.

Let’s say you’ve done your research. Okay. Kudos to you. Even so, a lot of writers use too much.

“Och, laddie! Ya dinna think I was gonna be as thuck as tha!" might sound like it’s just the right thing for your story, but do you really want to write all the characters speaking with an accent at that or around that level? Because you’re going to have to. Consistency is everything.

If you decide that yes, you can write all your characters at that level of accent throughout your piece, you still have something to think about it: Is your reader going to want to read almost every character speaking like that throughout your story?

Hm. Computer says no.

I like poetry. I truly do. Poetry can be beautiful and present images and emotions in ways prose can’t.

What I don’t like are poets who write something that I and no one else can understand. I and the other readers go on to comment about how we don’t understand it. Then the poet goes on to make comments like “Well, it’s just too deep for you then” or “It’s not my problem if you can’t understand my message”.

It’s happened more than once.

If you’re talking about iridescent lilies in the sky and mean it to represent your relationship with your father, that’s fine. But as a writer and poet, it’s your job to make sure your readers understand it as well.

If your readers come back to you not understanding, then maybe you should take a hint.

Excuse me, but if I don’t understand what you’re talking about, I’m not going to nod along and talk about how deep and meaningful your poetry is.

If other people understand it, okay. There are probably a lot of things I don’t understand that other people do. However, if you have to explain what your poem means to the majority of people who read/hear it, maybe you should take the hint.

Just because you’re a poet doesn’t mean you aren’t a writer. If you write purely for yourself, fine. But if you write with the intention of having an actual audience, then you need to pay attention and adjust if people simply don’t understand.

Being too vague never helped anyone.

You’ve seen them. Any aspiring writer who has looked at contests or getting his/her work published has come across at least one.

Scams. Con artists. So-called companies designed most often to get your money and sometimes (rarely) to get your writing.

I don’t think anyone needs any big hints about why these sorts of things have made my pet peeve list. Taking advantage of other people’s dreams isn’t generally considered to be a good, nice thing. And the sad truth is that where you finally get one taken down, ten more will pop up to replace that one.

Not always, but often, people will try to take advantage of you. It happens to pretty much everyone at some point or another. Some people don’t even mean to do it, but they do. The boss at the business sees you’re a fantastic worker and have been improving the company overall. Said boss also knows you’re too nice to ask for a raise…so you’ll never get one.

If you set out in the writing world wanting to spend money to get published and/or try to shove your work in front of anyone who will take a glance at it, you will be taken advantage of. If you don’t do your research and learn to distinguish cons from legitimate people, it’s likely you will be sucked into a con.

I highly recommend you check through Preditors and Editors on a regular basis. Talk to people about where they have been and what they’ve been through. Get advice. Research both offline and online. Get opinions.

The more time you take to getting to know how things work and talking to people, the less likely one of these silly cons or scams will look appealing to you.

Last Friday on The Book Stacks I reviewed Jim Melvin’s The Pit, first book of The Death Wizard Chronicles. One of the things that most impressed me about his adult fantasy book is the magic system he has set up.

See, what Melvin has done is created a magic system that has a reason. It exists and works above and beyond the people who access it. Only certain people can get access to this power, the power runs out and the wielder needs to recharge occasionally, and the magic exists as part of a system.

Nothing is more annoying than having magic in a book that is merely there for the sake of making characters powerful. Yay, I can shoot lightning from my fingertips! Why? Where does the lightning come from? Why can you do it and Joe over there can’t? Why do you shoot lightning and Amy shoots fire? What makes you two different?

Those are the questions you need to ask and know the answers to before you run around giving every other character the ability to fly. Even the Fantastic Four were hit by some cosmic rays of some type or another. Spiderman was bitten by a spider and the X-Men are just the next step of human evolution.

See? Reasons behind the magic. They don’t have magic/powers for the sake of looking cool. Reasons, systems, weaknesses, etc.

So yes, feel free to give your characters access to magic and/or powers. That’s perfectly fine unless you don’t give a reason for the magic/powers. You need a system. You need reasons.

Even if your readers don’t find out about each intricate detail behind your creations, you can speak (write) with the confidence that you know the ‘how’ and ‘why’ of your magic/powers.

It seems to me that an increasing number of reviewers (and critics in other areas as well, I imagine) think that the only way to make a name in the business of reviewing is to hate everything they read, make snarky comments as often as possible, and have a general loathing for humanity thrown in just to make things interesting.

Granted, those are the more extreme cases, but there truly are a lot of people out there who seem to think that the only way to make a name in the review world is to loathe everything.

I do understand. It wasn’t until I put up my first review of a book I didn’t like at all up on The Book Stacks that I started drawing a bit more attention to my reviews. Yes, you do need to have the occasional negative review so you can preserve your credibility and show that you aren’t someone who is scared to hurt people’s feelings.

That doesn’t mean you need to ‘hate’ everything for the sake of appearing ‘tough’.

Yes, be honest in your reviews. Yes, point out things (gently, not vindictively) that didn’t work for you. Yes, do put in the occasional negative review to help you become a well-rounded reviewer.

Don’t hate for the sake of hating. That’s just boring.

Plus, at least in my eyes, having all negative reviews is the same thing as having all positive reviews – I can’t take your reviews seriously.

PS. If you think it will take ‘forever’ for you to become ‘known’ as a reviewer then talk to me. If you have a site, I know how to get your review site more views. No trollishness needed.

Alas, I am guilty of one of the high crimes of writing – not adequately researching something before writing about it.

We all make mistakes, yes, but I hate ranting about something that’s untrue.

Pet Peeve #41 wasn’t all wrong, mind you, but I stated something that’s wrong. In some circles. That’s the annoying thing about writing: in a lot of the ‘rules’ of writing, you’ll find two sides to it.

I’m talking about the ’s vs s’s issue.

Since I first started writing, I have always hated the look of s’s so I started using s’ instead. A lot of people do it, but does that mean it’s right? Apparently not, according to one of the higher authorities: Strunk and White

According to Strunk and White’s The Elements of Style, “Form the possessive singular of nouns by adding ’s. Follow this rule whatever the final consonant.”

Lovely.

So what was James’ paint is supposed to be James’s paint. Undoubtedly there will be more wisdom from the book of Strunk and White in the future.

Ah, pet peeve #48. This is probably one of the most prominent things that are drilled into writer’s minds the most.

Don’t write in the passive voice!

This is also the pet peeve I am most guilty of indulging in myself. I think it’s my writing brain’s default button. Anyway, that’s not any excuse for me or for you as a writer.

While passive voice isn’t always the ultimate evil it is often made out to be, it’s a good idea to get yourself out of the habit. It doesn’t have anything to do with grammar; it has to do with style.

What is the passive voice?

The passive voice is when you use the object of an action as the subject of the sentence.

Passive: Why was the fire hydrant peed on by the dog?

Active: Why did the dog pee on the fire hydrant?

It’s not always that easy (or funny) to fix up your passive sentences (and remember – sometimes the passive is better). One thing you can do, though, is to run a find all and replace all the instances of ‘was’ with ‘X’. (Pressing Ctrl and ‘f’ will open the find window.) It will not only find and replace them all, but it will tell you how many replacements it made.

Go through and see how many easy switches you can make first off. Things like “the baby was carried up the stairs” turning into “Jenny carried the baby up the stairs”.

Taking the active voice gives you more authority in your writing. The active voice versus the passive voice is akin to letting your story be told versus telling your story. Stand up and take control of your story. You are the author, right?

Not every writer does this, but I’ve heard it enough to make it a strong marker on my pet peeve list.

Writer’s block whiners.

I’ve had writer’s block. I accept it exists because it is the reason I am happily writing away on one novel instead of slogging through molasses on another novel. Note the important bit, though: I’m still writing. Exciting, I know.

I get annoyed by the writers who, because they ‘simply can’t move on past this scene’ in their first draft science fiction novel, they simply don’t write. What? No, don’t do that. Just because you ‘can’t’ work on one project means you’re simply going to not write for however long?

This is the part where I smack my forehead.

Oh, so you have writer’s block? Okay, accept it and move on. Having ‘the block’ is not your excuse to walk away from the notebook/computer to go play video games. (Even if you do consider your Xbox your muse, leave it alone because you’re probably ripping off the story line of the game in one way or another.)

Writer’s block isn’t the inability to write, it’s feeling like you are unable to write. Sure, I feel like having a family size bag of M&Ms while I work today, but that doesn’t mean I go ahead and have it. I don’t have the money to waste or the gym time to spend working it off, so I override what I feel by using logic.

So, poor and pouty writers, bulldoze through. If you can’t, work on something else because you obviously have the block with your current work in progress for a reason…

This pet peeve is something a little different to my usual pet peeves in that it could be a cultural thing instead of something that’s simply done wrong. It’s not necessarily wrong, but you won’t get away with it if you want to get what you’re writing published.

Numbers instead of words.

“His mother stacked 3 pancakes on his plate. She looked at it a moment longer before putting 2 more pancakes on the stack. He wasn’t sure he could eat all five, but he was certainly going to give it a good hard try!

This is a pet peeve of mine because if I see numbers in what I’m reading, they had better be some sort of statistics. Numbers thrown in when it’s not necessary to have numbers is distracting.

“US English is so egocentric; they leave ‘u’ out of everything.” - Mr. Scribe

It’s one thing to have the whole US system of weights and measures – which is annoying enough – but then there is US English (or ‘Englizh’ as Mr. Scribe likes to call it).

Why can’t we just all get along?

Or at least use the same dictionary.

This pet peeve isn’t me arguing which system is wrong; I would simply like it if we could all just pick one and go with it. (I vote for the ‘u’ happy UK system I am learning here in Oz, but that is of course purely personal preference.)

It’s bloody annoying to type along in Microsoft Word in Oz English and then have to remember my US spellings the moment I get on the internet.

And for your edutainment US and UK spelling differences.