Fiction Scribe

Okay, class, today’s lesson is on how to write fun and interesting characters.

Take out your textbooks.

Turn to the page with the list of questions that you as a writer should be able to answer about your characters before you begin your novel or story.

Notice the question, “What is your character’s favorite color?”

Now throw your textbooks away. You can pick them up and start using them again when you can tell me what Huck Finn’s favorite color was or provide evidence that Mark Twain gave a Mississippi river rat’s ass about what Huck’s favorite color was.

The key question is not what is your character’s favorite color, it’s what color scares him so bad that he wets himself, or what color makes her sad, or what color do the man and woman decide to paint the rec room to cover up the blood stains left after they bludgeon the cable guy by mistake.

Instead of going by the book (and trust me, there is at least one “How To” book out there that has the favorite color question), let’s go think outside the box, color outside the lines, and challenge the would-be characters in our potential plots to step outside and settle this once and for all.

Your mileage may vary.

Rule One: Contradictions are great, except when they’re not. In Brian De Palma’s film “The Untouchables,” Al Capone as played by Robert De Niro, beats a man to death with a baseball bat and cries at an opera. Instead of lessening the menace, the tears make Capone more terrifying. Think of your characters. Are they solidly portrayed, thoroughly convincing, and completely predictable?

Well, then for God’s sakes, give ‘em a contradiction – or at least a facial tic. But wait – not that contradiction, not the same one that every character in the genre has. Skip the gangster who loves his Mom, banish the promiscuous girl who goes to Mass every Sunday. Try the antagonist who faces the hero at a crucial moment and begins giggling uncontrollably.

Or forget that and try this…

Rule Two: Stereotypes are bad, extreme stereotypes are really, really funny. Playing against type can give you an unusual character and intrigue the reader. Imagine a giggly German, a celibate priest, a bitter Fairy Godmother. There are endless possibilities. But if everyone is not what they seem, then no one is. And I think you know what I mean. So go ahead and pencil in a boring Norwegian, but make him the most unbearable bore imaginable, except in a funny way or you’ll just bore the hell out of the reader.

Which brings us to…

Rule Three: Your characters have to be human, but not literally. Cardboard makes for a crappy roof so why would you build a person out of it? Think about that. Actually, don’t think about it. Skip it. The simple, banal truth is that your characters don’t have to have a contradiction, they don’t have to be a stereotype or not, they don’t have to have a favorite color, they don’t even have to be human, but they better have qualities that are human enough for the reader to care about them, to laugh with or at them, or to hate them.

To sum it up, as a writer, never forget about your relationship with the reader when creating characters. It’s exactly the same as the relationship between two people having sex.

If you’re not having fun, imagine how the other person feels.